Hell’s Bureaucracy

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Welcome to Hell, everyone, let’s have some fun!  Today we are going in by the back door and listing all the possible ways to build an even worse Hell!  What could be better than renovating that disgusting place and creating more torture?  So pull up a wobbly chair with no cushion, have a warm beer with cold soup and here we go!

In order to identify values, sometimes we need to think backward.  What does that mean exactly?

If you don’t know what your values are, all it takes is a violation and you will instantly feel what is right or wrong in your books.

Values are who we are at our core; right now, not who we wish we were.  Values are what is important to us, they are the “why” to everything and drive our behavior.  For example, some values might be, respect, considerate, honest, hardworking, loving, etc.  They are one-word answers to who we are and how we live our lives.  You can always add more values to your life with different experiences but they don’t change because they’re innate.  Beliefs are the changers and the self-limiters but that’s not why we are here, let’s not go there.

Let’s get back to Hell…

All relationships are based on values whether it’s at work, with friends, family, love or yourself.  Values define why that particular relationship is important to us and if they hold the same values we do.

If you aren’t sure what your values are then you will have a great time in Hell because this is where the clash happens and all the possibilities are negative, not to mention torturous!  So let’s make a list of what Hell might look like in a relationship or at work:

Disrespect, discourage, dishonesty, ignored, stealing, lying, humiliation, harassment; just to name a few.  How do you like living in Hell so far?  Do any of these words rub you the wrong way?  If that’s a yes, keep on reading little devil…

Try answering these questions; “What are some of the best forms of self-torture?” Or, “In the ideal Hell, people would never….”  Or even, “In the ideal Hell, people would always try to…”

Feeling hot yet?  How’s that warm beer?  Are the flames getting a little too close for comfort down there?  Good!  Let’s flip this Hell right now.

Disrespect becomes respect, discourage becomes empower, dishonesty becomes honesty, ignored becomes appreciated, stealing becomes sharing, lying becomes trust, humiliation becomes pride, harassment becomes justice.  Starting to feel better, more like home?  I would hope these bold words resonate more with you than the Hell words do.  Would these words be important in your relationships or at work?  Why?  Once you answer the “why” then you have defined your values.  I’m sure you have more words in there… keep making your list!

What title would you give to your new world now that you’ve flipped it on its head?  You get to decide.

Now flip those three questions around in a positive way and answer them with your new title; “What are some of the best forms of self-care?” Or, “In the ideal (title) people would never…” Or even, “In the ideal (title), people would always try to…”

Sometimes going in from the back door isn’t a bad thing after all.  To know what we want, we need to define what we don’t want and to know who we are, we need to know who we are not.  What we can tolerate.  Plain and simple.

Thanks for playing Hell’s Bureaucracy, I hope you had fun and it helped.  A cold beer would be nice right about now 😉

 

Much Love ❤

Jen 🙂

 

**Believe it or not, this is a life coaching tool to help people identify their values so they can improve their relationships in their personal and/or professional lives.  It works well, I’ve even used it on myself!  If you are interested in having a life coaching session with me, please send me an email at jgreen7984@gmail.com

 

**If you are new to my blog or a treasured reader/follower, please be sure to check out my book “Winning While Losing:  The Upside of Heartbreak” by Jennifer Green.  Available at all online bookstores worldwide or FriesenPress online bookstore.

~ Dare to live courageously…

 

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You Be The Judge…In Your Own Life

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“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

How interesting that people from the outside looking in are like experts on how those who are struggling should live their lives.  It’s one thing to give helpful advice so they can move forward but to sit back, criticize, and judge is absolutely ridiculous.

Why?

One reason is that they aren’t walking in your stylish shoes (which probably don’t fit them anyway) so they don’t know how to saunter like you.  Secondly, people don’t really know who they are as an individual; their wants, needs, or values, so how can they know an outsider so well and tell them what to do? Thirdly, it shames people into thinking they’re not good enough and living in shame for 30 seconds or 30 years is painful.

The theory of having two sides to a coin, meaning two sides to a story is another narrow-minded way to think because technically, there are three sides to a coin, head (one perspective), tails (the other perspective), and the edge (the truth).  Furthermore, there are many layers to each side that run deep which means more reasons and perspectives on each side, therefore, not so cut-and-dry.  When someone judges you based on this theory of two sides to a story, they are judging out of their own insecurities and revealing unhealed parts of themselves.  Therefore, it’s not about you, it’s about them and saying these types of things make them feel better and you feel worse.  What they do know is only a version of the truth which is not much, and maybe only partially true.

For those of you who are being judged in silence by people who never dare to have an actual conversation with you, I can completely empathize.  What I know is this; when you do something wrong, admit it to the person involved and apologize for it.  As for the additional peanut gallery who may or may not hide but continues to judge you, let them go.  If you tried something new and it didn’t work out, admit it and move on.  It’s fine to fail at something, as long as you gave it your all and learned from your mistakes.  Not everyone is going to marry, have kids, be rich, drive a BMW, or have their dream job, but here’s the thing… You can decide what’s best for you in the end.  Always remember, nobody is living a perfect life.

These days judgment is everywhere from how we parent, work, our lifestyles, health choices, interests, relationships, vacations, cars, houses, and all the way down to what kind of underwear we buy, how we take a selfie, and which haircut we get.

Seriously??  Suddenly the phrase “mind your own business” comes to mind.

We are all on the same journey in life and we are all on different paths to get there.  That’s ok.

You can’t control what other people say or do but you can control how you react to it.  Instead of judging others and what they are doing, focus on yourself and you be the judge…in your own life.

Be the man (or woman) in the arena, and dare greatly.

Much Love ❤

Jen

**P.S.  For those of you who bought and read my book “Winning While Losing:  The Upside of Heartbreak” I am extremely grateful for your huge love and support.  I hope you enjoyed it and if you’re interested in leaving a book review on my website, please let me know and I will happily arrange it for you.  Have a wonderful week! XO

 

 

 

 

Don’t Fall Asleep At The Wheel

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After reading this title, you might think this blog is about your soon-to-be-16 year-old-son getting his driver’s license; but it’s not.

That’s another story.

Instead, this blog is about relationships and believe me, I’m not an expert in this field but I will speak from my experience and what I’ve learned, not only about love relationships but also about relationships we have with our friends and family, work and with ourselves.  The real expert in talking about relationships is my friend Andrea Syrtash who is a relationships author and columnist who has written for Oprah and Glamour magazine, and I give many credits to her for opening my eyes on this vital topic.

Andrea has taught me that the first question I should ask is “Does this person bring out my best?”  If the answer is no, then there is either work to be done or you need to re-evaluate whether it’s worth keeping in your life.  Not every relationship is forever and some are even toxic.  As situations change, people change along with them which is why a re-evaluation every now and then couldn’t hurt and should be done.

An example of a toxic relationship is being with someone who is submissive and enjoys putting you down, they are a control freak.  A toxic person will target your fears and feed on them whereas a loving person will sense your fears and try to soothe them.  In order for a toxic relationship to change and improve, the toxic person needs to realize they need to take their hands off the wheel and be nice by giving up control for awhile and letting someone else drive because they are not the only one on the road, nor are they the best driver either.

There is nothing worse than a backseat driver.

Relationships take a huge amount of effort on both sides to make them work, whether that’s with friends and family, work, love or ourselves.  Over time, it’s common to see people become lazy or complacent in their relationships and this is where it becomes dangerous because people stop paying attention, they get tired and eventually fall asleep at the wheel.  The other person ends up feeling left out and even at risk of being taken for a ride.  The end result  could either be a close call where something major wakes them up just in time, or it could end up being a car crash where everyone gets hurt and some may not survive.

Imagine if both sides are falling asleep at the wheel!  Let’s not even go there!

Out of all the relationship types listed here, the relationship with ourselves seems to suffer the most because we say we’re too busy to join the gym, no time to eat, other commitments come first and so on.  In order for the other relationships to work well, this is the one relationship that should be tended to first because when you feel good, you want to be good and do good.  All of your relationships benefit from the fact that you are taking care of yourself and are paying attention to how you feel so that you have the energy and desire to feed the others.

So how do we stay awake and motivated in all our relationships?  Coffee is always good and some prefer Red Bull but what you really need is to ask that important question from time to time “Does this person bring out my best?”  This also includes you, do you bring out your best?  Learn to appreciate, nurture and care, take an honest look to see if it’s time to adjust your speed, to hold on or let go of the wheel.  Pay attention to details because you don’t want to miss anything, or run somebody over.  Keep your eyes on the road, and whatever you do, don’t fall asleep at the wheel.

You could risk losing everything 😉

 

Much Love ❤

 

Jen
xo

 

 

 

 

Everyone Is A Genius

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“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded.”  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

When students are sailing into University taking courses they’re not sure about quite yet, it’s a little daunting to say the least.  They are expected to know what they want to do for the rest of their lives and then work in that field happily ever after.  Wheww!!!  If that’s not enough stress and pressure then I don’t know what is.

I was in this boat before and it was really hard trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  I completed my first year at University taking random courses with no direction.  Kind of like a fly in a sand storm.  At the end of that year I realized I didn’t want to waste any more time or money on something I knew nothing about so I took two years off and worked full time so I could think about it.  Later I went back to school became a nurse and the rest is history.

To all my University friends and young career hunters and warriors, I feel for you.  However…if you can take a step back and dig really deep to know who you truly are and find out what you’re made of, you will be more prepared to take the right path for you.

Two big reasons people go into the wrong field is because their parents told them to or because of the money it will bring after they graduate.  These might be good reasons short term but eventually you will get bored, guaranteed.

Let me ask you this; would you rather be happy or successful?

Most people say successful.  Does success bring happiness?  Especially if you are working in an area where you make good money but you don’t enjoy what you do?  How many years can you work and live like that?  You might work so hard at being that amazing surgeon but if it conflicts with your values, you are like the fish trying to climb a tree.  Fish do much better in the water therefore maybe you need to change your environment.  Do what you were born to do, what you are good at doing, what comes naturally and puts a smile on your face.   It’s not that you aren’t good enough you just need to find your tribe.  When you are happy, success follows you.

There was a study conducted at Harvard University a few years ago called the Happiness Project.  5000 graduates from Harvard University set out to conquer the world with their new degrees in hand.  All were extremely intelligent and became successful in their careers.   A year after their graduation the question of happiness was asked; “Are you happy now that you are successful?”  Do you know what the percentage of those 5000 students were happy?

A sad 3%.  That’s it.

Why?  They chose paths based on statistics, not their values.  They were good at what they did but it somehow clashed with who they were as a person.  If you are a social person both personally and professionally, then sitting behind a desk all day gets pretty boring no matter how much you make.  By choosing a profession that is social it fits who you are and chances of staying in it long term are higher.

In career coaching there is an awesome tool that helps fill the gap of what’s missing.  It’s called the Success Strategy.  Ultimately when you’re doing what you love, aren’t you happy?  Isn’t that success right there?

Every day you need to focus on four key areas in your life in order to have a balance of success and happiness.   It doesn’t have to be a long exercise but each day needs to have these four ingredients.

The first is Legacy.  What are your long term results or plans?  What do you want to be known for?  What are you leaving behind for others?

The second is Creativity.  Let it blossom every day.  Being creative is found in anything and everything.  Many of us are bloggers here and this is one creative way of many.  Let your inner child out.

The third is Results and Achievement.  This can include professional, family and personal areas.  Get something done in one of these areas every day to feel productive.

The fourth is Shining Moments.  It’s the time where you stop and smell the roses, pause for a moment, enjoy and share them.

Where are you on the scale of 1 to 10?  Which areas need improvements?  What are you missing?  Why is that?

You might be a successful person bringing in results and achievements every day, have several shining moments and creating a legacy for yourself, but something is missing; your creativity.  Sadly creativity takes a back seat when we are busy planning our lives.  Maybe you used to play the electric guitar back in the day and one weekend you decide to pick it up and start playing again.  There’s that creativity vibe back, you feel fulfilled because you were able to find it elsewhere and still maintain your work and other areas of happiness and success.  Now all four areas are complete and so are you.  Yeah!!

Go out and find your passion based on who you are.  Don’t let someone else tell you because even though their intentions are good, they’re not you

If you’re a fish, swim.  If you’re a bird, fly.  And so on.  Not only that, practice the four key areas of success and happiness each day to find even more fulfillment.

I wish you all the best in your endeavors whether that’s in University or out in the working world.

And remember….Everyone is a genius.

Thanks Albert Einstein…

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Much Love,

Jen
xo

 

FIRE ~ by Judy Sorum Brown

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FIRE ~ by Judy Sorum Brown

What makes a fire burn

Is the space between the logs

A breathing space

Too much of a good thing,

Too many logs

Packed in too tight

Can douse the flames

Almost as surely

As a pail of water would

So building fires

Requires attention

To the spaces in between, as much as to the wood.

When we are

able to build

open spaces

in the same way

we have learned

to pile on the logs,

then we can come to see how

it is fuel, and absence of the fuel

together, that make fire possible.

We only

need to lay a log

lightly from time to time.

A fire

grows

simply because the space is there,

with openings

in which the flame

that knows just how it wants to burn

can find its way.

Welcome to December, the busiest month of the year for so many.  The thing I love about this poem by Judy Sorum Brown is that it illustrates the importance of spacing things out and being mindful by using the metaphor of a fire.  With all the shopping, Christmas parties and preparations, how do we manage to squeeze it all in? The key is by remembering our own health and wellness and spacing things out.  What gives you energy is the needed space within your work/ life balance.  Too many tasks packed into a tight schedule can be draining or even lead to burnout.  Create your schedule by paying attention to balancing the space between your personal time as much as to your work time.  You will actually stoke the fire of work/life balance and keep your own fire burning.  If you decide to build a fire during Christmas, keep this poem in mind and have a wonderful, peaceful holiday!     -JJ

LIFE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

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Have you ever been on trial for something?  Big or small.  What was that like for you?  Was it held in a court room or was it something in your life where you had to defend yourself, not knowing what the outcome would be?  In the end, was it worth it?  Trials and tribulations can be a test of our patience and sometimes it seems like they last forever.  How much can one endure?

The trials that I am talking about in this blog are about the ones we live outside the court room with our work, families and friends.  What is the trial you are going through right now, or, what trial did you just go through?  For example, maybe you are trying to prove yourself at your workplace that is causing a conflict which is turning into a trial or you have a friend going through a health issue such as cancer or infertility that is not being solved and each day is a trial for them because of fighting and not knowing what the outcome will be.  The thing about trials is that they raise a very important question, “Who are you really?”  You must answer this question, especially at this moment during the trial because when you define your life as to who you really are, the trial loses power and you win.  Only you can define your life because it’s how you react to it that counts.  The trial actually stands outside of you, ranting and raging trying make you believe that you are the trial.  It holds no more power than we give it.  Trials are merely a moment in time without a heartbeat but you have a heartbeat and several good moments in time.  There is a big difference, it does not define you.

Life is bigger than what we can see with our own eyes.  The beauty of life coaching is that it can help you cope during these trials to find solutions so you can live an inspired life!  Now that’s worth it!  Please feel free to contact me for a free 30 minute coaching session.    -JJ